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And God Created Woman
Father Ted meets novelist Polly Clarke at a booksigning for her latest novel, Bejewelled with Kisses, and they discuss their reading interests; Polly discloses that she envies Ted the peace of mind and serenity that his life as a priest brings. Ted rebuffs this, in a jovial manner, saying that he would actually like a bit of excitement. As he gets in the lift afterwards, Ted realises that Polly misheard his name and addressed the book to "Ted Curley" (not Crilly) - Polly then steps into the elevator and greets him as "Father Curley". There is an awkward silence between them as the lift goes up, with the only ice-breaker "Good luck with the book again" as they walk off in separate directions. Their cars, however, are parked right next to each other and, in a traffic jam, Polly's car pulls up right alongside Ted's. Ted pleads with the traffic lights to change, again mouthing "good luck with the book" to Polly. As the lights change, Ted accelerates hastily and crashes into the car in front. The driver of the car then gets out and punches him in the nose. When Ted arrives home, he finds Polly sitting in the living room; she has rented a cottage on Craggy Island, but it is not yet ready, and the builders suggested that she stay at the parochial house. Mrs Doyle then enters, looking disdainful of Polly's presence and less than polite towards her as she leads her to the spare room. Dougal, meanwhile, has been behind a chair, hiding from "your woman" because he wouldn't know what to say to her. As Ted begins telling Dougal about Polly, a scream is heard from upstairs; Father Jack is in the spare room bed and is unprepared to move (Ted receives another punch in the nose for trying to move Jack). After they use a "calming" blue card to get Jack out of the room, Mrs Doyle tells Polly to have a lovely stay. The next day, Ted puts several highbrow novels on the table (along with The Commitments by Roddy Doyle), with the intention of impressing Polly (but Dougal takes this to mean that Ted is throwing out "the ones you couldn't get through"). Mrs Doyle tells Ted that she isn't a fan of Polly's books, mainly because of "the language" in them; she gives examples of this, and ends up going on an angry rant that contains dozens of swear words. Polly enters and tells Ted about her failed marriage, going into detail about her sex life with her husband; she suddenly realises she has shocked Ted, and apologises, although he maintains that he has heard far worse things in confession (he then walks uncomfortably to his seat, suggesting that he has an erection). They discuss, at length, literature such as Dostoevsky and Wilde; Ted is out of his depth but bumbles through without Polly noticing this, and she invites him to come to her house that night for "some more book talk"; he accepts, although, realising what this implies, says "it's just a drink" to the picture of Jesus on the back of the settee, after Polly has left. Ted then meets the group of nuns visiting Craggy Island, who are led by Sister Assumpta and seem starstruck, treating Ted more like a pop star. They have loved Ted's masses in the past, but Ted suddenly realises that his mass tonight is happening at the same time as his "date" at Polly's. Ted tries to lie to the nuns and say he will be visiting a sick friend, but this plan is scuppered when Dougal brings the supposedly dying "old Jim" into the house. Ted pretends that he was actually thinking of someone else, and says that he can do that evening's mass after all. Ted instead decides to perform the mass very quickly (in under 10 seconds) and run off to meet Polly. But with his car improbably blocked-in by two parishioners, he has to get a lift from Tom, who stops off at the post office to rob it at gunpoint (although only because he "didn't want to fill out the form"). Tom then crashes the car, so Ted arrives at Polly's house much later. To his surprise, Polly is having a housewarming party (forgetting to mention this when she invited Ted), with Dougal, Jack, Mrs Doyle and the nuns. The nuns are angry that Ted's mass was so short (opting instead to attend the mass of a priest who now gives masses lasting 3 hours, having suffered a stroke). After everyone has left, Polly tells Ted about the "crossroads" in her life, and says she thinks she has reached a decision; Ted says he'll support whatever she chooses to do. However, when she reveals she's going to settle down into a peaceful life by becoming a nun, he's disappointed (although no longer feels awkward about telling her what his surname really is). His possible romance over, Ted returns home to the "daily grind" of pulling Dougal's head out of the settee, while Jack